Puppy Love
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: A story based on the events in "Deathstroke #58," where Joker receives a letter from a little girl and ends up doing something heroic. His rare act of heroism comes back to haunt him ten years later, when the child he rescued grows up to adore him, a fact that Harley Quinn is not at all pleased by. Thanks to Lilpixiegirl2511 for the suggestion! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Puppy Love**

"Joker, mail call!" snapped the Arkham Asylum guard, stopping outside Joker's cell.

The Clown Prince of Crime looked up from his game of solitaire, surprised. "For me?" he asked, taking the letter from the guard. "But nobody ever writes me letters!"

"Guess it's just your lucky day, clown," said the guard. "Though the handwriting on the envelope's pretty sloppy – could just be a crank letter, or more likely it's from some nutball as messed up as you."

"Or from a kid," commented Joker, looking at the childish scrawl on the return address. "Janey Bennett, 1922 Copper Beach Grove, Motor City, Michigan. Gotta be a kid – that'd be the only kinda person dumb enough to send me their address!" chuckled Joker. "People know better than to send the Joker crank letters, Sam, unless they wanna get a crank letter of their own laced with Joker toxin. And there are no nutballs out there as messed up as me – I'm a little insulted you think that."

"Gee, sorry to have hurt your feelings," muttered the guard, sarcastically, as he headed off down the hall.

"You will be, when that timed Joker toxin bomb releases in the break room," murmured Joker under his breath, as he opened the letter and read its contents.

 _Dear Joker,_

 _My class is studying criminal behavior so I thought I'd ask how you became a criminal. My Daddy says you're the most dangerous criminal around, and he's really glad Motor City is so far from Gotham City so he'll never have to deal with you. He's the mayor here, but he says people couldn't pay him to be mayor of Gotham City. I don't believe him, because people always pay him to do stuff when he thinks I'm not looking, so I'm sure people could pay him to be mayor of Gotham City. Plus Daddy lies a lot so I don't believe most of what he says anyway. But he and my teacher say that criminals aren't people like us, and that you have to have a really messed up mind to be one, so I guess I want to know why you're so horrible, how you became a bad person, and if there's any way I can help. Before Mommy left, she told me I should always be good and kind to people, and I guess that goes for bad people too. But if you're a bad person, you probably won't even answer my letter, but I would be really grateful if you have the time and if it's not too much trouble. Thank you!_

 _Janey Bennett_

 _Age 12._

Joker reread the letter immediately, intrigued, and then shrugged. "Well, it ain't like I got anything better to do," he said to himself. "Nothing but time in here, at least until that bomb goes off and I bust outta here. Hey, Sam!" he shouted at the guard.

"What?" demanded the guard.

"Can you get me a pen and paper?" asked Joker. "This requests a reply, and I hate to keep a captive audience waiting."

"You serious?" asked the guard. "You want a pen and paper to write a letter?"

"Well, what else would I want it for?" demanded Joker.

"Last time you folded the paper into an airplane and stuck a detonator on it so that it would blow up when it hit someone, and it took out Sid's ear," said the guard. "And you stuck the pen in Matt's eye."

"Well, this time I want them to write a letter," snapped Joker. "Geez, you use a pen and paper as a weapon once and people hold it against you forever! You can trust me, Sam. Just read this for yourself," he said, holding out the letter to him.

Sam just looked at him. "If I touch the paper, is the toxin on it gonna infect me through the skin?"

"There's no toxin!" snapped Joker. "It's an honest to goodness letter from a kid! You should probably talk to one of the shrinks about that paranoia, Sam, before it starts taking over your life!"

Sam shrugged and went to go get the Joker what he asked for. When he returned, Joker sat down and began to write.

 _Dear Janey,_

 _I read your letter with great interest – I'm not usually the type who gets mail, so it was a pleasant surprise, to say the least. I was intrigued by some of the things you said about your family, particularly your father. It must be pretty cool to be the daughter of the mayor – maybe you could tell me more about what life is like with him. I was also sad to hear about your Mom leaving – I hope you still get to see her from time to time. Kids deserve two loving parents, and it's a sick joke when grown-ups act like children towards each other, and then end up hurting their own children._

 _As for me, I appreciate the offer of help, but I honestly don't think there's much you can do if the combined power of the shrinks, cops, and Batman can't help me out. They're the ones who need help, not me – I'm a fairly happy guy. Batman could probably use a hug or something, but whenever I try that, he punches me in the face. Anyway, I appreciate the thought, and the letter, like I said. Usually the only people who ask me questions are paid to do that, or ask them while they're beating me up demanding to know where the bombs are, and it's truly touching for someone to take the time out of their day to write to me, and to send kind wishes. I'm not a bad person, Janey – I'm a comedian. The problem is not everybody gets my sense of humor, and so they lock me up in here. Everyone's a critic, and comedy's a hard gig. But I believe you gotta follow your dreams, no matter how difficult they are, or what's the point of living?_

 _The truth is, criminals aren't any different to you, or your teacher, or your Daddy. And we don't all have some tragic backstory that made us who we are. People just see the world in different ways, and most people are colorblind, like dogs. Did you know dogs are colorblind, Janey? Well, they are, and most people are too. A few of us, though, we can see rainbows. And we try to tell the people who only see the world in black and white all about the rainbows and the colors, and they lock us up for it because they think we're crazy. Well, crazy's a matter of perspective, especially when you're a dog that's seeing rainbows. And you shouldn't be punished for seeing the world differently. I hope that makes a little bit of sense to you – kids tend to understand the world better than grown-ups anyway._

 _Well, I'll sign off for now. I hope you'll write back and tell me a bit more about your life and your family. I'd be very interested to hear all about you, the kinda girl who thought writing to the Joker would be a good idea._

 _Your friend,_

 _The Joker._

Joker finished the letter and then stuck it in an envelope, copying the address Janey had given him. "Sam!" he called. "Can you mail this for me?"

Sam examined the envelope. "I'm running this through the toxin scanners before I do," he said.

"Fine, you do that, Mr. Paranoia!" snapped Joker. "I may be a sick freak, but where's the joke in murdering a child who wrote me a letter? You tell me what that punchline is!"

"I can't – I ain't crazy," retorted Sam, heading off with the letter.

A few days later, Joker got another letter from Janey.

 _Dear Joker,_

 _Thank you so much for writing back to me! My teacher gave me an A+ for my project, so thank you for helping me out! You're right – you must not be a bad person if you'd take the time to write back to me. I don't think you sound so crazy, and I was wondering if maybe we could keep writing to each other, like pen pals. I don't have a lot of friends at school or anything, and I can't really talk to my Daddy, and you signed my letter 'your friend,' so I hope you were serious about that, since maybe I can talk to you instead._

 _The truth is I'm not very happy most of the time. I live with Daddy in the mayor's mansion, and the kids at school think I'm the luckiest girl alive, but I don't feel like it. Daddy works all the time, so I'm alone a lot. Mommy left me when I was little, and I don't know where she is now – Daddy won't tell me, and she doesn't call or write or visit. I think Daddy made sure she doesn't – I remember them screaming and fighting a lot before she left, so I think they must not love each other anymore. And sometimes I feel like it's my fault they split up, like maybe they don't love me anymore either. Maybe Mommy and Daddy blame me for them splitting up, and that's why they both ignore me. I just feel very lonely all the time. Maybe someday you can come visit me, and I can show you my toys. It would be nice to have someone to play with, since Daddy never seems interested._

 _All Daddy is interested in is work, and his secret meetings he thinks I don't know about. He thinks I'm not looking through the keyholes when he accepts the bribes, or talks about taking money from the city treasury. I guess that's why I always thought that criminals had to be bad people, since Daddy does bad stuff and he's a pretty bad person. But you don't seem so bad – you don't talk to me like Daddy does and tell me to shut up or that you're too busy to listen, or that you don't care. You actually take the time to talk and write back to me. I hope one day we can meet and maybe go out for ice cream. I love ice cream, do you?_

 _Your friend,_

 _Janey._

Needless to say, Joker wrote back instantly.

 _Dear Janey,_

 _So sorry to hear that you're not very happy. Nothing sadder than unhappy people, I've always thought, especially children. I know what it is to be lonely – try being locked up in a cell sometime! The important thing is to have a positive attitude and try to smile. Things always seem a little better if you can just put on a happy face, and things always do get better, Janey, so don't worry. Maybe it doesn't seem that way right now, and maybe you don't feel there's much you can do, but try not to mope or you'll turn out like Batman. Try to see the rainbows, rather than the black and white._

 _Things with your father do sound difficult, but try not to worry – I have a plan to help you out. I promise I will help make things better for you. What are friends for?_

 _I will most definitely be coming up to Motor City to see you the moment I'm free, which should be very shortly. I can't wait to see all your toys, and get some ice cream. I also love ice cream – what's your favorite flavor? Mine's chocolate, but I'll buy you any kind you want, with extra sprinkles when we meet. I can't wait!_

 _Your friend,_

 _The Joker._

Joker decided to mail this letter himself, so he called Sam over and stabbed the pen in his throat. "Not the eye, genius, see? There was no reason to be paranoid!" he snapped as Sam fell to the ground with a gurgle. A few moments later, the bomb went off in the break room, flooding the corridors with Joker toxin. In the chaos, Joker grabbed Sam's keys and unlocked his cell, removing himself from the asylum, posting the letter, and catching the next flight to Motor City, after sending Carl Bennett, the mayor and Janey's father, an email that threatened to reveal his corruption unless he handed Janey over to his custody and confessed to his crimes. If he didn't, Joker warned, the citizens of Motor City would suffer.

And suffer they did. Carl Bennett refused to humor the Joker, who retaliated by infecting the blood supply of Motor City with Joker toxin. Six people died before Carl Bennett sent for the assassin Deathstroke to take care of Joker. Deathstroke instead exposed Carl's corruption, he went to jail, and Janey went to live with her loving mother, who had been desperate to see her every day since the separation, but had been forbidden all access by her domineering and dangerous former husband.

Before Joker returned to Gotham, he and Janey did indeed go out for ice cream, where Janey asked if they could always be friends and pen pals, which Joker agreed to. It was a good joke, he thought, doing something heroic like this, not that he was gonna make a habit outta it. But it was fun being hero for a day, almost like Batman, except for the whole killing innocent people thing, of course. Couldn't get rid of all the fun. Besides, he had a soft spot for kids – they were the only kinda people who always laughed at his jokes.

They kept in touch for a few years, but gradually lost contact, and soon Janey Bennett was little more than a distant memory to the Joker. A distant memory that was about to intrude on his life in a completely unwanted and unexpected way.

 **Ten Years Later…**


	2. Chapter 2

"Gentlemen, I have called you here to present a solution to the problem that has plagued us for our entire lives," announced Edward Nygma, the Riddler, as he stood in front of Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch. "The problem of being intellectually superior to the general population, which precludes us from social relationships with the public at large."

"I can't say I'm particularly desirous of a social relationship with the public at large," commented Crane.

"No indeed – they're mostly morons," agreed Tetch. "A fact that you have often commented upon yourself, Edward. Why have you suddenly changed your mind?"

"You misunderstand me," said Riddler. "I don't mean to suddenly become a genial, social person who mingles with the ignorant masses. But our superior intellect does have some slight disadvantage, this I will acquiesce. Only one that I have pinpointed in all my years of being a genius, and that is that members of the opposite gender tend not to appreciate our intellect or find our superior minds attractive. This necessitates a life of abstinence, as females invariably select some physically superior but mentally inferior brute with a brain the size of a peanut. Well, worry no further, gentlemen! I, the Riddler, have found an ingenious way to solve our problem."

"Edward, you can't invent some technology to make a woman love you," retorted Tetch. "Believe me, I've tried, and it didn't work. And it's the wrong thing to do. Love must be spontaneous and natural…"

"Who said anything about love?" demanded Nygma. "I am not speaking of love – I am speaking of physical satisfaction. The two are completely unconnected."

"Indeed? Then I would prefer to have love," retorted Tetch.

"Yes, if we merely wanted cheap gratification, we could always find a prostitute," agreed Crane.

"False. Regular, inferior men use prostitutes," retorted Nygma. "I have invented a superior solution to our problem. Meet the new lady in my life," he said with a sweep of his arm, pulling aside a curtain.

Both Crane and Tetch stared at what he had revealed.

"…it's a robot," said Crane at last.

" _She_ is not just a robot," retorted Nygma. "Are you, my dear?"

"Good morning, the Riddler," said the robot, in a feminine voice. "You're looking very intelligent today."

"Thank you, Robo-girlfriend," said Nygma. "Or for short, Robogif."

"What does it do exactly?" asked Tetch.

" _She_ does whatever you want her to do," retorted Nygma. "You can program her to do the cooking and cleaning and whatever else you like. Just like a real girlfriend. Isn't that right, my dear?"

"That's right, the Riddler," replied the robot. "I find intelligence sexy. The size of your intellect interests me much more than the size of your…"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" demanded Crane.

"Wrong? It's genius!" snapped Nygma. "It means I can dispense with humanity altogether! And because I'm such a good friend, I'm offering to build another two for you both."

"God no!" exclaimed Crane. "How exactly is that better than a prostitute? It's not even human! It's something you've built with your own hands!"

"Precisely!" snapped Nygma. "And therefore superior to all humanity, just like I am!"

"Look, Edward, I'm sure it's very thoughtful of you," said Tetch, slowly. "But I think Jonathan and I are hopeful of being loved for ourselves by another human being, rather than having to program something to be loving and loyal. When I tried to brainwash my Alice, it felt all wrong, because she didn't love me for who I was – she was just a puppet at my command."

"I fail to see what's wrong with that – most of humanity are puppets at my command," snapped Nygma. "Except this one actually adores and obeys me. Robogif, go get Professor Crane and Mr. Tetch a drink."

"What drink, the Riddler?" asked the robot.

"Tea for me, please," said Tetch.

"Error, do not understand tea," said the robot.

"Well, that rules it out as my girlfriend," sighed Tetch.

"She can answer all sorts of riddles," said Riddler. "Can't you, Robogif? Riddle me this: why is a raven like a writing desk?"

"Error, do not understand raven," replied the robot.

"And that rules her out as mine," agreed Crane.

"She's just got a few bugs and kinks to sort out," muttered Riddler. "Don't you, Robogif?"

"Error, do not understand kinks," said the robot.

"Well, Joker would say she's not much of a girlfriend then," retorted Crane, dryly.

"Joker's not getting one!" snapped Riddler.

"Why would he want one? He already has Harley," said Tetch.

"Lucky man," muttered Crane. "She's infinitely superior to any robot."

"Fine, you ingrate, you don't get one!" snapped Riddler. "Just wallow in your own misery and loneliness forever! See if I care! This is what I get for trying to be nice, Robogif – nothing but ingratitude!"

"Would you like me to stroke your ego, the Riddler?" asked the robot.

"Maybe later," retorted Nygma.

A loud knock suddenly came on the door to the hideout. "Tell me you didn't invite anyone else to see this monstrosity?" asked Crane.

"No," retorted Nygma. "I didn't. And she's not a monstrosity. Don't hurt her feelings like that."

"It's a robot," retorted Crane. "It doesn't have feelings by definition."

"Shut up!" snapped Nygma, opening the door. He was surprised to see a young woman standing there, stunningly attractive, with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a wide, beaming smile. Which fell when she saw Riddler.

"Oh…hi," she said, slowly. "Um…maybe you can help me, I'm looking for the Joker? And he was last seen at this address."

"This is one of the Joker's old hideouts?" demanded Crane. "That's terrible form, Nygma! We don't move in on each other's territory – is there no honor among thieves?"

"I didn't know it belonged to Joker!" snapped Nygma. "It was abandoned when I got here! Anyway, why are you looking for the Joker?" he asked, turning to the woman. "Nobody is ever looking for the Joker unless they want to die a gruesome and painful death. Are you crazy?"

"No," retorted the woman. "And don't talk about him like that. He's not some evil monster – he's a good man at heart, trust me."

Nygma just stared at her. "You _are_ crazy," he said, slowly.

"No, I'm not," she repeated. "Just tell me where the Joker is, please."

"I don't know," snapped Nygma. "I have better things to do with my time than keep track of that grinning maniac."

"Like build a robot girlfriend," muttered Crane. "If I recall, my dear, he's still out of Arkham at the moment – he and Harley were last seen around the Funnibone shipping warehouse. That's a favorite haunt of theirs."

"Harley? Who's Harley?" asked the woman, confused.

"Harley Quinn. The Joker's girlfriend," explained Crane. "I'm surprised you haven't heard of her – you're not from around here, are you?"

"No, I'm from…Michigan," stammered the woman. "I…uh…didn't know he had a girlfriend. Have they been together long?"

"Sadly about seven years now," replied Crane. "You keep hoping she'll wake up and realize her mistake one of these days, but that seems unlikely at this point. But you have got to wonder what such a beautiful, intelligent, sweet girl sees in somebody like that."

"There's a lot to love about the Joker," snapped the woman. "He's a misunderstood man with a good heart and a decent soul. If he hasn't been allowed to show that recently, maybe this girlfriend of his is a bad influence, and he needs someone equally good and decent to guide him toward the light."

There was a firm resolution in her eyes as she nodded slowly. "Thank you for the information," she said, turning away. "Goodbye."

They all three stared after her. "What is it about attractive blonde women and a bizarre fascination with the Joker?" asked Tetch, quietly.

"Maybe they're just living up to the dumb blonde stereotype," said Riddler. "That's another thing you don't have to worry about with Robogif. She's infinitely more intelligent than any woman, not that that would be particularly difficult, especially compared to the women we know. Ow!" he exclaimed, as Crane hit him in the back of the head. "What did I say? What?"


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm going out to the store – do you need anything, pudds?" asked Harley, entering the Joker's study in the Funnibone shipping warehouse. Joker was hunched over a set of hand-drawn plans, chewing on the end of the pen he held in his hand, but he turned to look at her, an annoyed expression on his face.

"What did you just call me?" he demanded.

"Pudds," she repeated, shrugging. "I've realized I call you puddin' a lot, so I thought I'd vary the nickname a little."

"Well, stop it," snapped Joker. "Puddin' is bad enough –pudds makes me want to stab myself in the face. Or more likely, _you_ in the face. Capiche?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, puddin'," muttered Harley, heading for the door. "So you don't need anything at the store?"

"I need you to go yammer somewhere else," retorted Joker.

Harley rolled her eyes. "I'll bring you back a special treat to get you in a better mood – some ice cream should cheer you up. Dunno why you're in such a bad mood though. Guess somebody just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"There's only one side I can wake up on, because there's a dumb blonde lump sprawled all over me on the other side!" snapped Joker.

"Aw, I love my cranky pudds!" exclaimed Harley, putting her arms around his neck and kissing him. "Maybe when I get back from the store, Doc Harley can have a little session to cheer you up with some intensive therapy. We can uncover the root of your problem, along with a few other things, if you get what I'm saying," she murmured, reaching down to touch him.

"I'm trying to work, Harley!" retorted Joker, shoving her away from him. "And what I don't need is a lotta distractions! Why doncha spend the whole day at the store, or with your gal pal or something, but stay outta my hair, or I'll beat you so hard it'll make the Bat look like a walk in the park!"

"Oh, I love it when you talk dirty," purred Harley. "You should know by now that threats only put me more in the mood, Mr. J."

"Well, nothing puts you _out_ of the mood, so what's the difference?" muttered Joker. "At least threats make me feel better."

Harley kissed his cheek. "Love you, puddin'. See you later."

She left, shutting the door behind her. Joker sighed in relief at the silence, peace, and quiet, and went back to work with a smile on his face. A smile that abruptly fell a few minutes later when a knock came on the front door.

"God dammit!" he roared, stabbing the pen into the desk. Then he ripped it out and held it up as he stormed over to the door, preparing to shove it into Harley's eye. He opened the door, shouting, "What is it now, you useless waste of…"

But the open door revealed a young blonde woman Joker didn't recognize, at least not at first. She beamed at him, adoration shining in her blue eyes. "Hello," she said.

"Uh…hi," he said, slowly lowering the pen. "Who…are you?"

"Don't you recognize me?" she asked, hopefully. "It's Janey. Janey Bennett."

Her face fell at the emptiness in his eyes. "Uh…your pen pal?" she prompted. "From Motor City, Michigan? You exposed my father, the mayor's, corruption and helped me go live with my mom ten years ago?"

"Oh…Janey!" said Joker, the realization clicking suddenly. "Oh yeah, yeah, Janey, of course! Wow, you look…different!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, I've grown in ten years," agreed Janey.

"You…sure have," he agreed. "Gee, where are my manners, c'mon in," he said, holding open the door for her. "How have you been, kiddo?"

She threw herself into his arms suddenly, hugging him tightly. "I've been doing great," she murmured. "I'm just so happy to see you again, Joker. I've thought about you and what you did for me every day."

"Well, that's…great," stammered Joker, awkwardly returning the hug. "But it was nothing. Just glad I could help out my favorite pen pal."

She beamed at him, drawing away. "You haven't changed a bit," she murmured, gazing at him. "You're just like I remember you."

"Well, I never change much," chuckled Joker. "I'm like a favorite joke – an oldie but goodie. You change it too much, you risk ruining the punchline. Anyway, why tamper with perfection?"

"My thoughts exactly!" laughed Janey.

"So…uh…what have you been doing with yourself?" asked Joker, gesturing for her to take a seat on the sofa. "And what brings you all the way to Gotham?"

"I came to see you," she said, smiling. "I wanted to catch up. I've really missed writing our letters to each other – I've saved every one. And I just graduated from college and I thought I could maybe take a trip to celebrate."

"Gotham ain't exactly a vacation destination of choice," laughed Joker. "But college, huh? That's impressive. What did you major in?"

"Criminal psychology, actually," said Janey, smiling. "You sparked my interest in that a long time ago, and it turned into a real passion. Part of the reason I came here is to look for a job in Gotham – I know Arkham Asylum is always hiring."

Joker laughed nervously. "No, you don't wanna work there. The average life expectancy for a shrink employed there is 6-8 weeks, with a few rare exceptions. Anyway, why would you wanna move to Gotham when you got a nice home in Michigan?"

Janey's face fell again. "I…uh…don't really," she murmured. "I don't ever visit Dad in prison. And Mom died a few years ago, so there's not a lot left for me there."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Joker. "But you must have friends there…"

"Not many," she replied. "None of them I can really talk to. Not like you."

She smiled shyly at him, blushing slightly. "The reason I want to get a job in Gotham is so I can be near you. You were always my one true friend, and I've never stopped thinking about you and what you did for me. You're…my hero, and you always have been. I came here because I want us…to be together…"

"Uh…look, kid, this is awkward," interrupted Joker. "You gotta understand…I'm attached now. Got a girlfriend. And even if I didn't, I'm old enough to be your father, probably your grandfather, actually…"

"That doesn't matter to me," murmured Janey. "I…love you."

Joker shook his head slowly. "I don't think you do," he said. "I think I did a nice thing for you once, and you grew up admiring and respecting me for that, and you've kinda convinced yourself that what you're feeling is love. But it ain't, Janey. And even if it was, I can't return it. I'm spoken for, and I'm a one-woman loon. Committed for life, y'know. Sorry to disappoint you. We can always be friends and pen pals, but nothing more than that."

Janey said nothing, her eyes sad as they glanced around the room. "Is this where you live with her?" she asked, casually.

"Yep," said Joker.

"And where's she now?" asked Janey, standing up and glancing at Joker's plans.

"Out shopping," replied Joker.

Janey nodded at the plans. "Is this still your life?" she asked. "Making wild and crazy schemes to fight Batman?"

"Yeah. Why?" asked Joker.

Janey shrugged. "A man as wonderful as you should do something more with his life. This just seems like such a waste, trapped in an endless, pointless cycle of violence. Don't you ever get tired of it?"

"Can't say that I do!" chuckled Joker.

"Joker, I know you're better than this," she murmured, turning to face him. "You're a good man at heart, a hero, otherwise why would you do what you did for me? There is good in you, and I can help you bring it out. I can help reform you and fulfill your true potential. If you'll let me."

"Look, kid, I appreciate the offer," said Joker. "But you got me all wrong. I did what I did for you because I thought being a hero for a day would be a good joke. That's not who I really am. I'm a bad guy."

"You told me you weren't a bad guy," she murmured. "And I know you're not, deep down."

She took his hand. "Please," she murmured. "Let me help you get better."

"Janey, you're a sweet kid, but I…" began Joker, but the door opened at that moment and Harley strode in with a bag of groceries.

"Got your ice cream, pud…" she began, but her smile fell when she looked up and saw the attractive young blonde woman holding Joker's hand and gazing at him adoringly.

"Who the hell is this?" Harley snapped, instantly jealous.

"Harley, this is Janey Bennett, a…friend of mine from long ago," said Joker, hastily. "Janey, Harley Quinn, my girlfriend."

"Friend?" repeated Harley. "You don't have any friends, Mr. J!"

"This was before your time," said Joker, which didn't relieve Harley at all.

"The Joker and I were pen pals when I was a little girl," explained Janey. "He saved me from my bully of a father by incarcerating him, and helped me go live with my mother. I've never forgotten his kindness to me, and I was hoping to repay it in kind."

"Oh yeah? How's that?" snapped Harley.

"Janey just graduated from college with a degree in criminal psychology, and she's offered to help cure me," said Joker, hastily. "Which I've refused, because you of all people know it wouldn't do any good, pumpkin pie."

Harley glared at Janey in pure loathing. "She's a shrink?" she hissed at Joker. "And you were friends with her…before you met me? You did…something nice for her, when you've never done anything nice for anyone?!"

"Maybe he just needs the right people to be nice to," replied Janey.

"You saying I ain't the right person for him?" demanded Harley.

" _You_ said it," retorted Janey.

Joker laughed loudly to try to defuse the tension. It didn't work. "All right, well, great seeing you, Janey, but we'll have to catch up properly later," he said, ushering her toward the door. "Got things to plan, work to do, Bats to kill…"

"Ok. See you soon, Joker," Janey said. "Nice to have met you, Harley," she added, walking past her. "Oh, and by the way, he likes chocolate ice cream," she added, pointing at the bag of groceries.

"I know what ice cream he likes!" shrieked Harley. "I know him a lot better than you or anyone else!"

"Really? Did he write you letters sharing private, intimate secrets? Did he understand and comfort your childhood pain? Did he even tell you about me?" asked Janey. "Guess you don't know him as well as you think," she finished, shutting the door behind her.

Joker heard the door click and prepared himself for a world of pain as Harley turned slowly to face him.


	4. Chapter 4

"Pumpkin, it's not what you think, she means nothing to me…" began Joker.

"You filthy, goddamn liar!" screamed Harley, slamming the bag of groceries onto the ground. "You said there was no one else before me!"

"There wasn't!" protested Joker. "She was a kid…nothing happened…I ain't the Hat Guy…"

"But you told her your secrets!" shrieked Harley. "You shared your pain, you…you were kind to her! You're never kind to anyone! You did a good, heroic deed for that little brat when you've never done anything like that for me! Why?!"

"Well…your Dad wasn't the corrupt mayor of a small Michigan town – I'd like to think I'd do the same for you if he had been…" began Joker.

"You jerk!" shrieked Harley, punching him hard across the face. "How could you, Mr. J?! How could you do a good deed like that?!"

Joker shrugged. "She…wrote me a letter, and we got talking, and it seemed like a good joke at the time…but it turns out being a hero ain't a good joke, and just leads to problems. It's a dangerous thing, but not in the way people think. Heroes have it rough – I almost feel bad for mocking Batsy all these years. Now I know what he feels like. Must be hard to have everyone falling in love with you all the time, but I can't say that I blame them with Bats or me…"

"She's in love with you?!" shrieked Harley. "She told you that?!"

"…no," said Joker, slowly. "I just assumed from the way she was looking at me…"

Harley punched him again. "You see what doing nice stuff gets you!" she shrieked. "You lousy, no good, two-timing creep! You're dead to me! And she's dead too! Nobody falls in love with my Mr. J but me! She better not think she can take you away from me! She better not think she can get me outta the way, because I ain't leaving without a fight! I'll kill you before I lose you to anyone! Especially some dumb little brat who's young enough to be your granddaughter!"

"Says you," retorted Joker.

He didn't speak again for a while, as Harley launched into a furious, unrelenting attack. Joker defended himself as best he could, but hell had no fury like a jealous Harley Quinn, and even his superior fighting skills were no match for her green-eyed-monster-fueled rage.

Eventually, their fight ended as it always did – the brutal violence aroused a romantic mood in the two of them, and a short time later, covered in the remains of the various groceries and broken glass, they lay naked and breathing heavily on the bed.

"I still ain't forgiven you," snapped Harley.

"For what?" he demanded. "I haven't done anything wrong!"

"That's the problem," she retorted. "You did something right for another woman!"

"For the last time, she was a kid!" snapped Joker. "Anyway, you wouldn't want me to do something right for you, would ya, pooh? You prefer it when Daddy does things to you that are wrong," he murmured, kissing the bruise on her shoulder.

"Mmm, I do love my wrong Mr. J," she purred. She frowned again. "But that's no excuse for your behavior toward her," she snapped. "The Joker I know would never do anything nice for anyone. How can I trust you after you hid this from me, Mr. J? I don't even know who you are!"

"Yes, you do, Harley – don't be so melodramatic," he snapped. "I told you, it was a joke. And I liked the kid – so sue me! It took guts to write to a homicidal maniac like myself, and I thought her guts deserved to be rewarded. Anyway, you always want me to like kids because you hope it'll make me want kids of our own someday."

"I don't like kids who grow up into attractive blonde shrinks," muttered Harley.

"You can't seriously be jealous, can you?" demanded Joker, sitting up and looking at her. "Not after what we just did. You think Janey would wanna do half of that? You think she'd enjoy the violence and be craving more pain? My Harley girl's the only girl who enjoys that as much as I do."

"But she's in love with you…" began Harley.

"She ain't," interrupted Joker. "Not really. She idolizes me because I helped her out as a kid – call it hero worship. I imagine Bats has to deal with it a lot. But she doesn't love me really because she doesn't even know me. Not the real me, anyway. She thinks I'm some misunderstood angel who can be saved by her guiding me towards the light."

"You _are_ an angel," agreed Harley, kissing him. "But a devilishly handsome one. And a devilishly naughty one."

"She doesn't know that about me," said Joker. "She doesn't understand the real me at all. The moment she does, she'll stop all this infatuation stuff. She's just young and innocent and naïve, is all."

"And some men find that very attractive," murmured Harley.

Joker kissed her firmly. "Believe me, toots, I didn't go for you because you were young and innocent and naïve. I went for you because I knew there was a bad girl inside you just waiting to be released. Couldn't let all that potential for naughtiness go to waste."

Harley grinned. "And Janey don't have that?"

Joker snorted. "Kid, she's a girl scout! Complete goody-two-shoes! Not my type at all! Even Bats has some darkness to him – this gal's like Superman or something. And you know how much I hate Superman."

"So what are you gonna do to change her mind about you?" Harley asked.

"Just leave it to me, pumpkin," replied Joker. "I got a scheme or two up my sleeve that will prove to her that I'm a bad guy through and through, with no speck of goodness or decency anywhere inside me. But the most important thing is that you stop acting all jealous and just try to deal with me seeing her in a calm, rational way. Can you promise me you'll do that?"

"Nope," retorted Harley, honestly. "I can't deal with anything in a calm, rational way, but especially not you hanging out with another woman. Not unless I'm there too."

"It'll be awkward if you're around," said Joker. "You two would have come to blows if you had been in each other's company for much longer today – I'll never make any progress with you clinging to me like a jealous guard dog. Anyway, Janey might think I'm only saying or doing things because you're there. I gotta prove to her who the real Joker is, without influence from other people. That's the only way she'll believe me."

"But what if she tries to make a move on you?" protested Harley.

"You think I can't handle myself against the advances of a dumb blonde shrink?" demanded Joker.

"You couldn't in Arkham," purred Harley, grinning.

Joker chuckled. "C'mere, you," he murmured, taking her in his arms again.

Harley put aside her jealousy for now, but she could never keep it in check long. And she promised herself that Mr. J wasn't going to see Janey without her. Whether he knew it or not, Harley would be watching them. And if the little goody-two-shoes tried anything, Harley would send her back to Michigan in a body bag. No one who claimed to love the Joker could do any less.


	5. Chapter 5

"Hi, great to see you again," said Janey as Joker strode into the mall food court. Her beaming smile fell into a frown. "What happened to your eye?" she asked.

"Huh? Oh, Harley and me got into a little punch up after you left," said Joker, shrugging. "You know how it goes."

"I…don't, but ok," said Janey, slowly. "Do these punch ups happen often?"

"Well, not often enough for her liking!" chuckled Joker. "But often enough for mine."

"She's a bit…uh…abusive, huh?" asked Janey.

"Well, we both are," agreed Joker. "Kinda a mutual thing."

"Ok," repeated Janey, looking concerned. "You know abusive relationships aren't healthy, right?"

"Do I look like the kinda guy who's concerned about my health?" chuckled Joker. "Nothing that's fun is ever healthy, toots! And vice versa!"

"Have you ever wondered why you surround yourself with these violent people?" asked Janey. "Harley, Batman…"

"Because violence is funny," replied Joker. "Ain't you ever seen slapstick? People getting punched, hit, kicked, slapped, blown up, disemboweled – it's a laugh riot!"

"But that's not real violence," said Janey. "My Dad would occasionally hit me when I lived with him, and that wasn't fun at all. It was terrifying."

"Well, there's _violence_ and then there's violence," said Joker. "One's funny and one's not. Beating up your own kid, that ain't funny. But beating up a defenseless civilian or cop or Batman, that's a hilarious gag!"

"And how do you tell them apart?" asked Janey.

Joker shrugged again. "How do you tell funny stuff from unfunny stuff? Gotta have a sense of humor. You know how some people don't get objectively funny jokes because they don't have a sense of humor? Same with violence. You gotta get it for it to be funny. And most violence is objectively funny. Here, I'll show you. Let's go get some ice cream, my treat. If I recall correctly, your favorite flavor is strawberry with sprinkles."

"That's right," said Janey, smiling. "To make such an impression on you means our meeting clearly meant something to you. It was something real and serious, not just some silly joke."

"Woah, don't go dismissing jokes as silly!" chuckled Joker. "Jokes are very serious to me, toots. And my joke of being your hero was very serious at the time too. That's what you gotta understand about me – my jokes are my reason for being, they're what keeps me going. My purpose, if you will. Bats is a great joke. Harley's a great joke…"

"And we were a great joke too, huh?" asked Janey.

"Yeah, we were," he agreed. "Me having a kid pen pal and being a hero, that was a good joke ten years ago. But a lot's changed since then. And sometimes jokes get old or less funny depending on your circumstances. And trust me, me getting together with my kid pen pal would not be a funny joke at all, especially not for Harley."

"I'm not sure I care what Harley thinks," replied Janey. "I care about what you think, and how you feel, about me."

"I feel it's better for my health not to annoy Harley!" chuckled Joker.

Janey studied him. "You being in an abusive relationship isn't funny, Joker," she murmured. "Certainly not to me. Did you ever have any women before Harley?"

"Not that I can remember," said Joker, shrugging. "But I can't remember a lot before the accident."

"So this is your first relationship," said Janey, slowly. "Have you ever thought that you're settling for an abusive relationship and partner because you're inexperienced, and you think this is normal behavior for two people in a relationship?"

"Nothing about me and Harley's relationship is normal," laughed Joker. "So it suits us, because we ain't normal people either."

"You shouldn't make excuses for her abuse like that," said Janey. "You deserve better than somebody who would give you a black eye like that."

Joker laughed. "Y'know, this is funny!" he giggled. "People are always saying the same kinda stuff to Harley about me! Who would've thought somebody would ever take my side and call _her_ abusive! You gotta understand, we enjoy the pain, kid! That just works for us!"

"Or you don't know any different," said Janey. "You don't remember what a life without pain is like. You became the Joker in a violent encounter with Batman, and you've just said you don't remember anything before that. You've become so adjusted to pain that you think you enjoy it. But if you ever tried to give it all up, the violence and the crime, I'm sure you'd enjoy that a million times more. Especially if you had someone with you to support you, and help you be good again."

Joker didn't know exactly how to respond to that, but fortunately they had reached the ice cream stand so he didn't have to. "Uh…get me one double chocolate sundae and one strawberry cone with sprinkles," said Joker, glancing at the menu.

"Um…Mr. Joker…sir…we're outta sprinkles," whispered the man behind the counter. "I'm so sorry…"

"Hey, this is great!" exclaimed Joker. "What a perfect excuse to show Janey my whole 'violence is funny' philosophy! Just watch this, kid – I'll bet you'll bust a gut!"

He turned back to the man behind the counter. "No sprinkles, huh? Well, I ain't mad. It ain't the end of the world. There are worse things, after all."

He suddenly sprayed a burst of acid from the flower on his buttonhole into the face of the man behind the counter. "Like having your face melted off by acid!" he chuckled. "Talk about your brainfreeze, huh? That's a real ice cream headache!"

He laughed hysterically amid the screaming of the surrounding people, and heard another burst of hysterical laughter. But he was surprised to see Janey just looking in shock at him, and turned to see that the hysterical laughter came from the floor above her, from a not so discreetly disguised Harley Quinn, wearing a big, red hat and huge sunglasses.

"Harley!" snapped Joker, instantly furious. "I told you not to spy on me! Get the hell outta here!"

Harley raced off, and Joker headed behind the counter to scoop his own ice cream. "Sorry there's no sprinkles," he said, handing a cone with strawberry ice cream to Janey. "But you see what I mean about violence being funny?"

"No," she murmured, gazing at him sadly. "But I do see you being encouraged in your random acts of violence by your girlfriend, which only furthers my impression that you're trapped in an abusive relationship. And it furthers my desire to want to help you out of it."

"No, no, no – I didn't even know Harley was here!" protested Joker. "That's a classic Joker gag, a Joker original with no influence from the peanut gallery! They were outta sprinkles, so I melted his face with acid! C'mon, you gotta see the funny side of that, Janey!"

She shook her head, placing her hand on his cheek. "I see the good side of you, Joker," she whispered. "I still do. You can be saved, I promise you. All you have to do is believe you can be good again, like I do."

Her lips drew toward his, and Joker quickly raised the spoon from his sundae to block her, slotting it between her lips. "Mmm, that's good hot fudge!" he chuckled.

He was relieved that Harley had run off before she had seen Janey try to kiss him. But he was baffled as to how he was going to show Janey he was completely irredeemable. Shooting acid in an innocent man's face was a fairly shocking crime, but clearly he had to do something even more shocking to open Janey's eyes to the fact that he was no angel. It was never something the Joker would have thought he would have to prove.


	6. Chapter 6

Joker returned home in a gloomy mood after the ice cream incident. "Hi, puddin', how did it go?" asked Harley, rushing to greet him as he entered the hideout.

Joker sighed. "She still thinks I'm a good guy deep down inside. Even after I melted a guy's face off with acid just for not having sprinkles! I tell ya, it's depressing, Harl. All my crimes, all my wicked schemes and wanton destruction, and this gal still sees me as a hero! After all my hard work to be the best supervillain I can be!"

"You should kill her, puddin'," said Harley, eagerly. "That'd show her, and get her out of our lives at the same time!"

"No, no joke in killing her," sighed Joker. "Anyway, if I did that, she'd go to her grave with me thinking I'm a good guy trapped under the influence of a very evil woman."

"Evil woman?" repeated Harley, offended. "Is that really what she thinks?"

"Yeah, and you didn't help with that by appearing and laughing at the face melting joke," snapped Joker.

"It was a good gag!" protested Harley.

"Yeah, but this is why you have to stay away!" snapped Joker. "You know how some of the doctors at Arkham think that you ain't got a mind of your own and that you're just a pathetic lapdog who'll go along with my crimes because you'll do anything to please me?"

"Well, that last part's true," agreed Harley.

"Well, that's kinda how she sees me," said Joker. "She thinks you're the one in control, and that I'm doing these bad things just to please and impress you."

"Boy, that's quite a change, huh?" laughed Harley. "Whenever you ask anybody about our relationship, I'm always the innocent victim and you're the master manipulator. I kinda like being thought of as the one in charge for once. Not that I like being thought of as evil, though…"

"I just don't understand why it's so hard for people to comprehend our relationship," sighed Joker. "It's give and take, like all relationships, and sometimes I'm the one controlling the violence, and sometimes you are. Sure, it's me more often, but that doesn't mean that you're just an abused victim of mine or vice versa."

"You don't have to tell me, puddin'," replied Harley. "I've been saying that to folks for years. People just see what they wanna see."

"You know who I blame? The Bat," said Joker.

"Why?" asked Harley.

Joker shrugged. "It's gotta be his fault somehow. Most bad things usually are."

Harley snapped her fingers. "Puddin', that's it!" she exclaimed. "You need to get Bats involved! He's a real hero – he'll show her how much you ain't like him! And maybe once Janey sees a real hero, she'll become obsessed with him instead and leave you alone!"

"I dunno, Harl," sighed Joker. "Bats and me are nothing alike. I doubt she's just gonna transfer her affection over to a less attractive, less funny, less well-dressed version of me."

"Do you have a better idea?" asked Harley.

"Sorta," said Joker, nodding. "If I don't want Janey to see me as heroic anymore, I need to undo the thing that made me heroic in the first place. Which means getting her scumbag father outta prison and re-inflicting his presence in her life. After I do that, all the good I did will be erased completely in her eyes, and the world will be set to rights again with me as a good, old-fashioned villain."

"Oh. Ok. How are you gonna get him outta prison?" asked Harley.

"Same way we always get people outta Arkham," said Joker, shrugging. "Arrange a jailbreak. Michigan prisons can't be that much harder to bust out of than the old asylum."

"But if you're the guy who put him in there in the first place, won't he hate your guts?" asked Harley.

"So? You think I'm scared of some corrupt politician?" demanded Joker. "Believe me, years of dealing with Lex has only decreased my respect for politically-minded types, which was really low to begin with."

"But what if he doesn't want to come with you?" asked Harley.

"He's a criminal – he's not crazy, Harley," retorted Joker. "Who would refuse a get outta jail free card? You ever played Monopoly? You know how rare those are? When someone goes through all the effort to bust you outta the clink, you don't say no. It's just not done."

"I still think maybe getting Bats involved would be a better option," said Harley. "Maybe he can introduce her to his little Justice League friends and she can see how different you are from all those tight-wearing, super-powered, heroic freaks. Maybe she can fall in love with someone like…I dunno…the Flash or someone."

"Please, Harley, any woman with enough taste to fall for me wouldn't look twice at a guy in red spandex," scoffed Joker. "No, this is the better idea," he said, nodding firmly. "We can sweep my good deed under the carpet and pretend it never happened. Janey hates me for reuniting her with her abusive father, and everything is back to normal. Piece of cake. Now if you'll excuse me, Harley, I need to go draw up some jailbreak plans. And book a flight to Michigan."

"Getting Bats involved would be less work, too," muttered Harley, under her breath. She sighed as Joker headed off, and then went into the living room to draw up a few plans of her own, plans that would attract the Bat's attention just in case Mr. J needed it. She had a bad feeling about this whole jailbreak idea, and she was fairly convinced he would. Better safe than sorry.


	7. Chapter 7

Carl Bennett had been an inmate of the Motor City minimum-security prison for the past ten years, and to a man who was already an angry, explosive, violent sort, this did not improve his disposition. He wasn't a dangerous man per se, which is why the judge had confined him to the minimum-security facility rather than the high-security one for the more unstable inmates. Carl was surrounded by other white collar criminals similar to himself – formerly rich and respectable businessmen who had embezzled funds and committed other non-violent crimes, who were living out their sentences in relative peace and comfort.

It wasn't a bad situation to be in, all things considered, but Carl Bennett resented being in it. He resented that he had been locked up thanks to the machinations of a criminal lunatic, a man a thousand times worse than himself, who had murdered thousands of people. Carl had never killed anyone – people had died as a result of his inaction, but that wasn't the same thing. That wasn't like pulling the trigger on the gun. And he had hired the assassin Deathstroke to kill the Joker, but that wasn't the same thing either – the Joker deserved to be killed. He had taken the lives of thousands of innocent people, and it was only right that his reign of terror could be stopped before he could take thousands more.

Not that things had gone according to his plan – the assassin Deathstroke had betrayed him by exposing his crimes and confining him to jail, which is what the Joker had wanted all along. He had taken a shine to Carl's daughter, Janey, and had saved her from his neglectful care by allowing her to go and live with her mother, whom Carl had determined would never see her again. The Joker being heroic to help a child wasn't a funny joke to Carl Bennett. It was an infuriating bit of interference in his affairs that had cost him his job and his freedom. And Carl Bennett wasn't laughing about that. He had sworn to himself if he ever saw the grinning manic again, he'd put a bullet in between his eyes himself. He never could have imagined the circumstances of him seeing the Joker again.

He had just completed a round in the prison golf course and returned to his cabin, a freestanding, spacious structure on the grounds without fences or walls of any kind. He picked up a newspaper while waiting for the prison chef to pop round with his prepared, requested meal of lobster bisque.

The knock on his door came, and Carl rose to open it, checking his watch. "You're ten minutes later, Jeff, the lobster better not be cold…" he began, but his jaw dropped in shock and horror when he saw, instead of the chef, the Joker standing there.

"Sorry, it ain't room service!" he chuckled, shoving his way past him and looking around the spacious cabin, whistling. "Geez, you call this a prison? This ain't a prison – it's a corporate spa!"

"What the hell…are you doing here?!" hissed Carl, his shock instantly being replaced by fury.

"I came to bust you outta this dump, but I can see that I vastly underrated this particular dump and how easy it would be to bust outta it," said Joker. "To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why you'd wanna bust outta it under normal circumstances – they give you a house and requested meals and expensive leisure activities…clearly I need to commit some more white collar crime! It's like a daycare for wealthy scumbags."

"I'm gonna kill you, clown!" roared Carl, throwing a punch suddenly. Joker's reflexes were quick through years of avoiding Batman's punches, and he easily avoided this one, catching Carl's arm and twisting it behind his back.

"Woah there, cowboy," he snapped. "I didn't come here to fight."

"That's too bad, because you started a fight a long time ago!" snapped Carl. "When you put me in here and turned my daughter against me…"

"Hey, you're the one who turned her against you, pal," retorted Joker. "By being a crap excuse for a parent, as well as a crap politician. Bit redundant, I know, since all politicians are crap, but I came here to let bygones be bygones, and rectify the mistake I made ten years ago. I'm here to get you outta here and reunite you with your daughter. Because that's just the kinda selfless guy I am."

Carl stared at him. "What kinda sick joke is this?" he demanded.

"It's not a joke!" snapped Joker. "Putting you in here – that was a joke. Me doing a good deed and acting heroic – joke. But this is just helping a fellow criminal out. So are you coming or not?"

Carl's glare didn't fade, but he nodded slowly. "Good. Then stop trying to punch me and just follow me," retorted Joker, heading for the door. "Your kid's gone to Gotham to see me, so we'll head there. I really hope this convinces her that I'm no hero – if it doesn't, nothing will."

He paused suddenly, and turned to face Carl. "Wait a minute – you haven't suddenly become a nice, good guy, completely reformed and seen the errors of your ways, have you? I don't want this backfiring on me by unintentionally doing another good deed by reuniting you with your estranged daughter."

"No," retorted Carl. "I haven't."

"Good!" said Joker, beaming. "So when you see your daughter again, be sure to treat her like crap, and that way my work will be done!"

Carl said nothing. For now he was going to play along with the Joker, but inwardly the desire for revenge still burned deep inside him. Carl was a short-tempered man, but also a clever man, and his years in prison and as a politician had taught him that cooperation was a useful tool to getting what he wanted…until he had what he wanted, of course, and then he could dispense with the cooperation. If the Joker was really stupid enough to let one of his worst enemies out and travel to Gotham with him, he would reap the consequences of those actions very quickly and painfully. Carl Bennett would see to it.


	8. Chapter 8

Janey Bennett had rented a room in a decent Gotham hotel, and spent her days job-hunting and getting to know the city she planned on making her home. To an outsider's perspective, Gotham's love affair with Batman was incredibly strange – the worship of their local hero was almost fanatically over-the-top. Janey couldn't say she blamed the so-called supercriminals for wanting to take Batman down a peg and expose him for the fraud he so obviously was, or that's how Janey saw the Joker's life ambition anyway. In her eyes, it was another heroic action his part, just on a larger scale. Joker had exposed the corrupt mayor of Motor City, and now he was trying to expose the corrupt hero of Gotham City. Joker just couldn't help himself from being heroic – that was just the kinda great guy he was.

She had just returned home to her hotel room, and was surprised to see that the door to her room had been forced open. She heard the television playing loudly, and cautiously pushed open the door, entering the room with her heart pounding in fear.

Her fear turned to annoyance when she saw who had broken into her room. "What are you doing here?" she demanded, when she saw Harley Quinn seated on the bed, helping herself to snacks from the mini-bar.

"Waiting for you to get back," retorted Harley. "Glad you did – couldn't take much more of this crap daytime TV," she said, pressing the power button on the remote. "Unemployed people have a hard enough time, being out of a job and all, and then they can't even provide them with quality entertainment during the day? That's almost criminal, ain't it?"

"What do you want?" asked Janey.

"I want you to leave my Joker alone," retorted Harley. "He ain't the kinda guy you think he is. And he ain't for you."

"I think we should probably let him decide who he's for," retorted Janey, folding her arms across her chest. "And what kinda man he wants to be. You've influenced him for far too long. If you really loved him, you'd let him be free to be his own man."

"He was, a long time before I came along," retorted Harley. "And he was broadly the same kinda man. I was a shrink too, y'know, toots. And when I treated him, he gave me all this bull about him being a victim of his horrible upbringing, and how he's actually sweet and good and innocent deep down inside. But I saw that for what it was – bull. If I hadn't, I couldn't claim to love him, or be in a real relationship with him. I would have blinded myself to his true character, and that ain't love. That's infatuation, and obsession. That's what you got."

"Really?" asked Janey, raising her eyebrows. "Because I think that's what you got. I know my own feelings."

"So do I," snapped Harley.

"Well, one of us is delusional," said Janey. "And frankly, only one of us here has been diagnosed as clinically insane."

"Don't mean I'm delusional!" snapped Harley. "Means I'm perfect for Mr. J, who's also clinically insane! How could he relate to some normal, boring, goody-two-shoes dame with all her marbles in her head instead of hopelessly lost forever? He ain't a sane guy, toots, and he wouldn't be happy with a sane dame!"

"He would be if he could be cured," murmured Janey. "By someone who loved him, someone who could make him good again…"

"He was never good!" shouted Harley. "He was always my demented, abusive, psychotic creep! And I ain't gonna let you try to change that, toots! I'll kill you first!"

"I'm not surprised by a threat from you," sighed Janey. "Your love of violence keeps my hero trapped in this cycle of abuse."

The words 'my hero' in relation to the Joker was the final straw for Harley, who couldn't control her temper anymore, not that she was renowned for doing that anyway. She struck Janey a hard blow across the face.

"He ain't no hero!" shrieked Harley, continuing to pummel her. "Yours or otherwise! So stop trying to paint him as misunderstood and redeemable! He ain't!"

"Harley!" snapped a familiar voice. She paused in her beating and looked up to see the Joker standing in the doorway, looking furious. "I told you to stay away from her! This doesn't help with you trying to prove yourself the nonviolent one of the relationship!"

"She started it!" protested Harley. "She called you her hero!"

Joker sighed. "There's no need to defend my honor as a villain, Harley. I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself. Now just wait outside while I have a word in private with Janey."

"But puddin'…" began Harley.

"Outside!" snapped Joker, pointing.

Harley glared from him to Janey, but then muttered, "Yes, puddin'," skulking out of the room. She slammed the door, leaving them alone.

"Sorry about the kid – you ok?" asked Joker. "She has a real mean punch when she's angry…"

"I'm fine," murmured Janey, wiping her bleeding lip. "I just feel bad that you have to be subjected to that kinda abuse regularly."

"Well, I kinda enjoy it," said Joker, shrugging. "Now come on outside – I got a surprise for you."

He opened the door to the hotel room, and then frowned when he saw nobody there. "Stupid little rat, spoiling the surprise by trying to make a break for it," he muttered, scanning the hotel corridors. "Well, he can't have gone far."

"Who?" asked Janey, following him.

"Serves me right for trusting one of his kind - they're all slippery," muttered Joker. "Never trust a politician, especially a convict one…"

"Don't move another muscle!" hissed a voice as they turned the corner to see Carl Bennett holding a gun against Harley Quinn's skull. "You do and I'll blow her brains out, and we'll be even! You take something valuable away from me, and I take something valuable away from you!"

"Dad!" gasped Janey, horrified. "What are you doing here?"

"Your hero sprung me outta jail," retorted Carl. "Real good guy, isn't he, Janey? Well, now he's gonna pay for what he's done to me! Now I'm gonna show him what it feels like to lose everything you care about! Your job and your reputation and your money…"

"Your daughter should really be at the top of that list," snapped Joker. "God, you really are a piece of scum, aren't you?"

"Pot to the kettle, clown," growled Carl. "I'm a far better man than you, the man my daughter chooses as her hero. I blame her Mom's influence – the dumb bitch always tried to see the best in every sorry excuse for a human being."

"Including you, clearly," retorted Joker. "Let this be a lesson to you, Janey – not everyone has some good in them. Some people are just rotten to the core, utterly irredeemable villains. Like yours truly!" he said, brightening.

"Really? My life's being threatened and you're using the situation to teach Janey a lesson?" demanded Harley, furiously.

"Oh, c'mon, pooh, just take him out," snapped Joker. "It's not like anyone but me threatens you and gets away with it."

Harley slammed her elbow into Carl's gut, winding him, and then grabbed him by the arm, disarming him and flipping him over her shoulder. She finished with a hard kick to the groin that left Carl writhing and gasping on the ground.

"True," she said, dusting her hands off. "What do you wanna do with him?"

"We need to see if Janey's learned her lesson yet, and then we can kill him," said Joker, turning to her. "See? I ain't a nice, hero type, kid. I would have inflicted your sorry excuse for a father back into your life. Doesn't that make me almost as bad as he is?"

"I…don't know how to feel," murmured Janey, tears in her eyes. "I just need a moment…excuse me," she said, racing back to her hotel room.

Joker shrugged. "Message received, I think. Which means we can have fun disposing of the trash, Harl!" he chuckled, approaching Carl Bennett and flicking out a knife.


	9. Chapter 9

Janey had rushed back to her room, and sat crying on the bed. Seeing her father again had brought back a lot of bad memories she had tried to repress, and the fact that the Joker was responsible for inflicting that pain on her truly hurt. Her feelings for him were conflicted – her hero had done something unheroic, and that was a hard blow to recover from.

"Janey Bennett?" said a voice. Janey looked up at her window to see Batman standing there. She frowned, wiping her eyes.

"Yes? What do you want?"

"I want to talk to you," said Batman. "Can I come in?"

Janey nodded, opening the window for him. "What are you doing here?" she asked.

"I was alerted to the Joker's plan by Harley – she told me about how you feel about him," said Batman.

"How did she do that?" asked Janey, confused.

"She sent a note to the police threatening to blow up a hospital unless I met with her," he sighed. "And then you. Didn't want to risk that she wasn't bluffing, so I agreed. And I'd like to help you out – that's kinda my job."

"Funny, I thought your job was beating up people," muttered Janey. "Not a very heroic thing to do."

"I don't see myself as a hero," replied Batman. "Because the truth is, heroes don't exist, Janey. Not human ones, anyway. Humans are flawed and fallible, and putting anyone up on a pedestal is a dangerous thing to do. Even me. If I thought of myself as a hero, that would give me license to do all sorts of things in my head, all sorts of things that wouldn't be very heroic, but I would excuse them to myself because I'm a hero. I would feel I had the right to do what is necessary. But I don't. The Joker thinks he does, however. He thinks he has the right to do whatever he wants, whatever amuses him, and that's not right. That's not something a hero would do. And if you excuse these actions just because you think he's being controlled by someone else, that's not very heroic either. You're trying to make excuses for someone while blinding yourself to his true character. That's not something any sane person should do."

"I just want to help him," murmured Janey. "Like he helped me."

"I understand," said Batman. "I want to help him too. But he can't be helped because he doesn't want to be. Believe me, I've tried for a long time. But you can't force someone to try to be good again. Even if you think he is trapped in a cycle of violence, he has to come to that realization by himself. No one can force him. If you care about someone, all you can do is be there for them."

"Is that why you're always there for Joker?" asked Janey. "Because you care about him?"

"Why does everyone think…no," snapped Batman. "I have to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't hurt other innocent people. It's for their sake, not for his."

"But have you ever considered taking the first step to ending the violence?" asked Janey. "And not fighting him?"

"I can't risk the lives of innocent people by trying to be the better man," said Batman. "I know sometimes it seems like life would be better if we could live our ideals. And my ideal world is a world where Batman doesn't exist. But I also have to live in the real world, and understand that Joker won't stop hurting people if I stopped fighting. If anything, he'd hurt more people in order to draw me back out."

"But if you honestly think that you're both going to be trapped in a cycle of violence forever, why haven't you ended it?" asked Janey. "Why haven't you killed him?"

Batman was silent. "Because I still need to have some ideals," he murmured. "I think we all do. But it's important to pick your ideals carefully, and recognize when they're delusional. The Joker as a hero is an ideal that is ultimately going to disappoint you."

"He already has, a little," murmured Janey. "But he was very heroic to me once, and I still believe there's good in him."

Batman said nothing again. "Maybe…very, very, very deep down," he conceded, slowly. "In some almost microscopic corner of what passes for his heart, maybe his concern for you was motivated by some sort of affection rather than as a meaningless joke."

"I need to believe that," murmured Janey. "Just as you need to believe in your ideals. Sometimes they're all we have left."

Batman was going to try to say some more comforting things, about how he could relate to feeling alone, when he suddenly heard screaming from down the hall. "Hold that thought," he muttered, racing toward the door. "Joker! Whatever you're doing, stop right now!"

"Aw, c'mon, Bats, lemme even out the other side!" protested Joker. "It's rude to interrupt an artist halfway through a masterpiece, y'know!"

A moment later, Batman had dragged both Joker and Harley back into the hotel room. "I've called an ambulance for your father – I'm taking these two back to Arkham," he growled. "It was nice to have met you, Janey."

"Wait, before you go," said Janey, standing up. She paused. "I realize…I might have made you uncomfortable, Joker, by calling you a hero. You're a lot more complex than that, and I'm sorry if that action of mine caused you to lash out…"

"Hey, I lash out unprovoked all the time, kid," interrupted Joker. "That's why they call me crazy. Don't blame yourself."

Janey nodded. "I'll always see you as…my hero, but I see now that you're not just _my_ hero," she said, looking at Harley. "And it was wrong of me to just show up back into your life and expect to change everything. I think maybe…I should leave Gotham. I'll head back to Motor City and try to re-evaluate my life. But maybe…we can be pen pals again?"

"Of course we can, kid," he said, nodding. "You can write to me care of Arkham Asylum, at least temporarily, of course. The dump can never hold me for long. But since I'm always dragged back to it by this killjoy here, I can catch up on any letters I miss when I'm away."

Janey nodded. "Harley…you're a lucky woman," she said, holding out her hand. "I hope in future you can think of me as a friend. I think we both care very deeply about the same man, and we should be united in that, not divided."

"Yeah," agreed Harley, nodding. "I guess. C'mere, kid," she said, holding out her arms to embrace her. Harley pulled Janey in close and whispered in her ear, "But you ever make a move on him, and I'll divide your head from your body, get me?! He's mine! Mine, mine, mine!"

"That's just how she talks to her friends," explained Joker, as Batman dragged them away. "See ya around, kid!"


	10. Chapter 10

"Eddie, geez, what did the Bat do to you?" asked Harley Quinn, as Edward Nygma hobbled carefully into the Arkham Asylum Rec Room a few weeks later. "You can barely walk!"

"It wasn't Batman," growled Nygma, easing gently into a chair. "An…invention of mine short-circuited during use…"

"Is this your robot sex doll?" asked Harley.

Nygma glared at her. "How do you know about Robogif?" he demanded.

"Johnny Crane passed it around," replied Harley. "He said you deserved to be humiliated after you insulted him by offering him a robot sex doll."

"Oh God!" exclaimed Riddler. "So Joker knows?!"

"Eddie, how was your first time?" asked Joker, entering the Rec Room and beaming. "Shocking, isn't it? Bet the sexual electricity was just palpable! Tell me, does doing it with a machine feel dirtier, or is it just the idea that's completely disgusting?"

"Oh God!" repeated Riddler.

"Did you program the machine to say things like that?" asked Joker, striking a robot pose and voice. "'Oh God,' 'So good,' 'Right there,' 'Take me, you animal, or at least you carbon-based life form.' I dunno, Eddie, I think some of the romance would be lost if it came from an emotionless, computer voice. Not that I wouldn't prefer a little less emotion in Harley's case, or at least a little less volume…"

"Shut up!" snapped Riddler. "It was not a disgusting idea – it was a great idea! Some…technical aspects were just a little faulty…"

"Hope it did some real permanent damage," said Joker, nodding. "Not that you could ever procreate with a machine anyway, and frankly that was the only thing you could ever get lucky with, so I guess it doesn't really matter. Tell me the Bat found you _in flagrante_ with the robot though."

"Robogif is not a robot!" snapped Riddler. "And never you mind what state Batman found me in! Let's just say Robogif is a very…clingy and affectionate girlfriend, and didn't want to…be parted from me."

Joker burst out laughing hysterically. "God, I wish I'd been there to see the look on both your faces!" he chuckled. "Maybe I should get Bats a camera for Christmas so he can record these special moments. Not that I think he'll ever be able to forget that image!"

"Joker, letter for you," said Dr. Leland, entering the Rec Room and handing him an envelope. "Edward, c'mon – let's go to the infirmary and get those burns seen to."

"I want a male doctor!" snapped Nygma as he was led away.

Joker continued chuckling to himself, tearing open the envelope. As he suspected, it was a letter from Janey:

 _Dear Joker,_

 _Just wanted to let you know I got back to Motor City safely, and have applied for a job as a prison psychiatrist where my Dad is incarcerated. I know he's not worthy of a second chance, but he's all the family I have left, and maybe if I can talk with him, things will get better between us. At least he looks a lot happier now with that smile you carved on to his face – even if Dad and I don't make any progress, at least his permanently smiling face will remind me of you._

 _I hope you get free of Arkham soon – knowing you, you will. I'll continue to follow your exploits in the papers, and know that I'll be thinking of you a lot, as I hope you'll be thinking of me. I'm sorry if me coming back into your life made a mess of things – I really hope you'll think kindly of me in the future. All I wanted to do was help the man who helped me. I don't think you'll ever know how much you improved my life, how much good you did for me, and I hope that doesn't bother you when you're trying to be villainous. I will never think of you as a bad guy – to me, you are always my hero. I hope that doesn't upset you, or Harley. Please believe as long as you're happy, I'm happy for you._

 _Your friend as always,_

 _Janey._

"What's that, puddin'?" asked Harley, noticing Joker reading the letter.

"None of your business," he retorted. "It's addressed to me, not to you."

"It's from that little goody-two-shoes, isn't it?" demanded Harley, scowling.

"Yes," retorted Joker. "And you shouldn't feel threatened by her. I don't like goody-two-shoes, remember, Harley?"

"Then why are you even bothering writing back to her?" demanded Harley, as Joker sat down with a pen and paper.

"Because a guy like me can never have too many fans," retorted Joker. "And it's common courtesy to answer my fan-mail. But relax, baby. I only got one Harley Quinn."

Harley squeaked happily and kissed him, then headed off to watch TV, leaving Joker to his letter.

 _Dear Janey,_

 _Glad you got home safely, and thanks for writing to me. I'm glad we can be pen pals again. I haven't had many friends in my life, not that I can remember anyway, and it's nice to know that I still have at least one. Our relationship isn't something I ever want to change in any way – I hope we can be friends forever._

 _And you have helped me, kid. To be a hero to somebody, to anybody, is a huge honor, even if it's one I never intended. The idea that a sweet, kind girl like you can think that way about a man like me almost makes me wanna live up to your ideals. But in the end, I am who I am, and what I ultimately am is a villain. With an excellent sense of humor, of course. But the fact that I was more than that once to a little girl who still adores me is something that puts a smile on my face, and always will._

 _I am happy, kid, you know that. I'm always happy with who I am, and I hope that you are too. Happy with yourself, I mean. Anybody who's a fan of mine has gotta have excellent taste, so try and value yourself as much as I value you. You and Harley bring my grand total of fans up to two, and don't think for a moment that that doesn't matter to me. Maybe eventually I'll get as many as three, but I ain't holding my breath. Still, the Bat might come round if I give him time._

 _Anyway, say hi to your Dad for me, and keep in touch. And the next time you're in Gotham, let's meet up for ice creams._

 _Your friend as always,_

 _The Joker._

It was true, he thought, re-reading it – he didn't have many friends. Well, none that he didn't constantly torment anyway, which might have something to do with it. It was nice to have at least one that he genuinely liked. Speaking of people he didn't like, he should definitely crash Riddler's examination in the infirmary. It wasn't a very heroic thing to do, he thought, heading for the door, but he'd just leave it out of his next letter to Janey.

 **The End**


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